Laspector[TK] Posted January 8, 2011 Report Share Posted January 8, 2011 (edited) One of the fringe benefits of being an English or History teacher is receiving the occasional jewel of a student blooper in an essay. I have pasted together the following "history", of the world from certifiably genuine student bloopers collected by teachers throughout the United States, from eighth grade throughout college level. Read carefully, and you will learn a lot. The inhabitants of ancient Egypt were called mummies. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain areas of the dessert are cultivated by irritation. The Egyptians built the Pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular cube. The Pyramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain. The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, once asked, "Am I my brother's son?" God asked Abraham to sacrifice Isaac on Mount Montezuma. Jacob, son of Isaac, stole his brother's birth mark. Jacob was a patriarch who brought his twelve sons up to be, patriarchs, but they did not take to it. One of Jacob's sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites. Pharoah forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw. Moses led them to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Philatelists, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines. Without the Greeks we wouldn't have history. The Greeks invented three kinds of columns - Corinthian, Doric, and Ironic. They also had myths. A myth is a female moth. One myth says the mother of Achilles dipped him in the River Stynx until he became intolerable. Achilles appears in "The Iliad", by Homer. Homer also wrote "The Oddity", in which Penelope was the last hardship that Ulysses encountered on his journey. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw java. The reward to the victor was a coral wreath. The government of Athens was democratic because the people took the law into their own hands. There were no wars in Greece, as the mountains were so high that they couldn't climb over to see what their neighbors were doing. When they fought with the Persians, the Greeks were outnumbered because the Persians had more men. Eventually, the Ramons conquered the Geeks. History calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long. At Roman banquets, the guests wore garlics in their hair. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his poor subjects by playing the fiddle to them. Then came the Middle Ages. King Alfred conquered the Dames, King Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery, King Harold mustarded his troops before the Battle of Hastings, Joan of Arc was cannonized by Bernard Shaw, and the victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their necks. Finally, Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for the same offense. In midevil times most of the people were alliterate. The greatest writer cf the time was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also wrote literature. Another tale tells of William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head. The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of their human being. Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, being excommunicated by a bull. It was the painter Donatello's interest in the female nude that made him the father of the Renaissance. It was an age of great inventions and discovertes. Gutenberg invented the Bible. Sir Walther Raleigh is an historical figure because he invented cigarettes. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper. The government of England was a limited mockery. Henry VIII found walking difficult because he had an abbess on his knee. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen". As a queen she was a success. When Elizabeth exposed herself before her troops, they all shouted "hurrah". They her navy went out and defeated the Spanish Armadillo. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespear. Shakespear never made much money, and is famous only because of his plays. He lived at Windsor with his merry wives, writing tragedies, comedies, and errors. In one of Shakespear's famous plays, Hamlet rations out his situation by relieving himself in a long soliloquy. In another, Lady Macbeth tries to convince Macbeth to kill the king by attacking his manhood. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Writing at the same time as Shakespear was Miquel Cervantes. He wrote "Donkey Hote." The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote "Paradise Lost". Then his wife died and he wrote "Paradise Regained". During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were the Nina, the Pinta, and the Sante Fe. Later, the Pilgrims crossed the ocean, and this was known as Pilgrims Progress. When they landed at Plymouth Rock, they were greeted by the Indians, who came down the hill rolling on their back. Many of the Indian heroes were killed, along with their cabooses, which proved very fatal to them. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this. One of the causes of the Revolutionary Wars was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels throught the post without stamps. During the war, the Red Coats and Paul Revere was throwing balls over stone walls. The dogs were barking and peacocks crowing. Finally, the Colonists won the war and no longer had to pay for taxis. Delegates from the original thirteen states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin had gone to Boston carrying all his clothes in his pocket and a loaf of bread under each arm. Me invented electricity by rubbing cats backwards and declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead. George Washington married Martha Curtis and in due time became the Father of Our Country. Then the Constitution of the united States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the Constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms. Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. When Lincoln was president, he wore only a tall silk hat. He said, in onion there is strength". Abraham Lincoln wrote the Gettysburg Address while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope. He also freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation, and the Fourteenth Amendment gave the ex- Negroes citizenship. But the Clue Clux Clan would torcher and lynch the ex-Negroes and other innocent victims. It claimed it represented law and odor. I didn't write this--it was sent to me by an edjumacated person. Edited January 8, 2011 by Laspector Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SuperTrooper Posted January 8, 2011 Report Share Posted January 8, 2011 In midevil times most of the people were alliterate. I think most of these students are "alliterate". Funny yet sad. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dashrazor Posted January 8, 2011 Report Share Posted January 8, 2011 i wennt too a pubic scool an i can speel just fien... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WWIIREBEL Posted January 8, 2011 Report Share Posted January 8, 2011 "OMG, i was laughing so hard i fell outta me chair!" . The bones of many past historians are a rattlin' in their graves i'm sure,Lol Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Matt_555 Posted January 9, 2011 Report Share Posted January 9, 2011 Hahaha some of these are great! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Locitus[Admin] Posted January 9, 2011 Report Share Posted January 9, 2011 I hope this doesn't reflect the general level of education on your side of the pond. By that I mean a non college student level. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TKCaleb Posted January 9, 2011 Report Share Posted January 9, 2011 (edited) It truly hurts my brain to read this. I can rant forever about the government and their deliberate purpose to make us dumb and obedient sheep but this forum is simply not the place to do that... quote that comes to mind "You feed your brain, or someone else will feed it for you." Caleb Edited January 9, 2011 by TKCaleb Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jnnfr72[TK] Posted January 9, 2011 Report Share Posted January 9, 2011 It was a nice break on a boring Sunday at work! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
vt357[501st] Posted January 10, 2011 Report Share Posted January 10, 2011 Ugh I could only get through about 1/3 of it. It was so painful to read. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scootch[TK] Posted January 10, 2011 Report Share Posted January 10, 2011 Very nice! Dude was born in a cabin he built with his own hands!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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