Why didn't I learn this in school?

[Laspector[TK]]

One of the fringe benefits of being an English or History teacher is

receiving the occasional jewel of a student blooper in an essay. I

have pasted together the following "history", of the world from

certifiably genuine student bloopers collected by teachers throughout

the United States, from eighth grade throughout college level. Read

carefully, and you will learn a lot.

 

The inhabitants of ancient Egypt were called mummies. They lived in the

Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such

that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain areas of the

dessert are cultivated by irritation. The Egyptians built the Pyramids

in the shape of a huge triangular cube. The Pyramids are a range of

mountains between France and Spain.

 

The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the

Bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of

their children, Cain, once asked, "Am I my brother's son?" God asked

Abraham to sacrifice Isaac on Mount Montezuma. Jacob, son of Isaac,

stole his brother's birth mark. Jacob was a patriarch who brought his

twelve sons up to be, patriarchs, but they did not take to it. One of

Jacob's sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites.

 

Pharoah forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw. Moses led

them to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread

made without any ingredients. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount

Cyanide to get the ten commandments. David was a Hebrew king skilled at

playing the liar. He fought with the Philatelists, a race of people who

lived in Biblical times. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 500 wives

and 500 porcupines.

 

Without the Greeks we wouldn't have history. The Greeks invented three

kinds of columns - Corinthian, Doric, and Ironic. They also had myths.

A myth is a female moth. One myth says the mother of Achilles dipped

him in the River Stynx until he became intolerable. Achilles appears in

"The Iliad", by Homer. Homer also wrote "The Oddity", in which Penelope

was the last hardship that Ulysses encountered on his journey.

Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that

name.

 

Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people

advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.

 

In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and

threw java. The reward to the victor was a coral wreath. The

government of Athens was democratic because the people took the law into

their own hands. There were no wars in Greece, as the mountains were so

high that they couldn't climb over to see what their neighbors were

doing. When they fought with the Persians, the Greeks were outnumbered

because the Persians had more men.

 

Eventually, the Ramons conquered the Geeks. History calls people Romans

because they never stayed in one place for very long. At Roman

banquets, the guests wore garlics in their hair. Julius Caesar

extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March

murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Nero

was a cruel tyranny who would torture his poor subjects by playing the

fiddle to them.

 

Then came the Middle Ages. King Alfred conquered the Dames, King Arthur

lived in the Age of Shivery, King Harold mustarded his troops before the

Battle of Hastings, Joan of Arc was cannonized by Bernard Shaw, and the

victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their necks. Finally, Magna

Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for the same offense.

 

In midevil times most of the people were alliterate. The greatest

writer cf the time was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also

wrote literature. Another tale tells of William Tell, who shot an arrow

through an apple while standing on his son's head.

 

The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of

their human being. Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at

Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death,

being excommunicated by a bull. It was the painter Donatello's interest

in the female nude that made him the father of the Renaissance. It was

an age of great inventions and discovertes. Gutenberg invented the

Bible. Sir Walther Raleigh is an historical figure because he invented

cigarettes. Another important invention was the circulation of blood.

Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.

 

The government of England was a limited mockery. Henry VIII found

walking difficult because he had an abbess on his knee. Queen Elizabeth

was the "Virgin Queen". As a queen she was a success. When Elizabeth

exposed herself before her troops, they all shouted "hurrah". They her

navy went out and defeated the Spanish Armadillo.

 

The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespear.

Shakespear never made much money, and is famous only because of his

plays. He lived at Windsor with his merry wives, writing tragedies,

comedies, and errors. In one of Shakespear's famous plays, Hamlet

rations out his situation by relieving himself in a long soliloquy. In

another, Lady Macbeth tries to convince Macbeth to kill the king by

attacking his manhood. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic

couplet. Writing at the same time as Shakespear was Miquel Cervantes.

He wrote "Donkey Hote." The next great author was John Milton. Milton

wrote "Paradise Lost". Then his wife died and he wrote "Paradise

Regained".

 

 

During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great

navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His

ships were the Nina, the Pinta, and the Sante Fe. Later, the Pilgrims

crossed the ocean, and this was known as Pilgrims Progress. When they

landed at Plymouth Rock, they were greeted by the Indians, who came down

the hill rolling on their back. Many of the Indian heroes were killed,

along with their cabooses, which proved very fatal to them. The winter

of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many

babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.

 

One of the causes of the Revolutionary Wars was the English put tacks in

their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels throught the

post without stamps. During the war, the Red Coats and Paul Revere was

throwing balls over stone walls. The dogs were barking and peacocks

crowing. Finally, the Colonists won the war and no longer had to pay for

taxis.

 

Delegates from the original thirteen states formed the Contented

Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two

singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin had gone to Boston

carrying all his clothes in his pocket and a loaf of bread under each

arm. Me invented electricity by rubbing cats backwards and declared, "A

horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and

is still dead.

 

George Washington married Martha Curtis and in due time became the

Father of Our Country. Then the Constitution of the united States was

adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the Constitution the people

enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.

 

Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother

died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his

own hands. When Lincoln was president, he wore only a tall silk hat.

He said, in onion there is strength". Abraham Lincoln wrote the

Gettysburg Address while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on the

back of an envelope. He also freed the slaves by signing the

Emasculation Proclamation, and the Fourteenth Amendment gave the ex-

Negroes citizenship. But the Clue Clux Clan would torcher and lynch the

ex-Negroes and other innocent victims. It claimed it represented law

and odor.

 

 

I didn't write this--it was sent to me by an edjumacated person.

Edited January 8, 2011 by Laspector

[SuperTrooper]

In midevil times most of the people were alliterate.

 

I think most of these students are "alliterate". Funny yet sad.

[dashrazor]

i wennt too a pubic scool an i can speel just fien...

[WWIIREBEL]

"OMG, i was laughing so hard i fell outta me chair!" .

 

The bones of many past historians are a rattlin' in their graves i'm sure,Lol

[Matt_555]

Hahaha some of these are great!

[Locitus[Admin]]

I hope this doesn't reflect the general level of education on your side of the pond. By that I mean a non college student level.

[TKCaleb]

It truly hurts my brain to read this. I can rant forever about the government and their deliberate purpose to make us dumb and obedient sheep but this forum is simply not the place to do that...

 

quote that comes to mind

"You feed your brain, or someone else will feed it for you."

 

Caleb

Edited January 9, 2011 by TKCaleb

[jnnfr72[TK]]

It was a nice break on a boring Sunday at work!

[vt357[501st]]

Ugh I could only get through about 1/3 of it. It was so painful to read.

[Scootch[TK]]

Very nice! Dude was born in a cabin he built with his own hands!!!