Need help with speech!

[rdhawk[501st]]

For my COM181 class in college, I've been talking about costuming, and talked about the 501st in the first speech. I'm now on my third and final persuasive speech, and I'm trying to persuade people to make costumes. I'm not allowed to blatantly lie, say anything a politician would say, or do anything else unethical, or I get failed, so before you all think of any of those ways to improve this speech, this speech is worth a *lot* of my grade in this course, I'd rather not fail this speech.

 

This is the link to my speech:

 

 

I'm also required to have at least three people outside my class review this speech with these (as a note, the time limit for this speech is 5 to 7 minutes, so if you see anything that should be cut, feel free to also give that a note).

 

I know this is kind of sudden and last minute (this speech is due Monday, but it's not like I won't be working on it 30 minutes before class). But if you could take just a little bit of your time, critique it, and put it in this thread, I have a few choice words for you...

 

 

 

THANK YOU!!!

 

These are the criteria my professor wants the speech to be reviewed by, so please, just take a few minutes of our time if you please, and help a crewman out!

 

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Peer Review for Final Persuasive Speech

 

Speaker’s Name: Ben Popplewell

 

Reviewers Name:

 

Introduction:

Gains attention and interest (10): []

Reveals the topic/narrows the topic sufficiently for a 5-7 minute speech (10): []

Establishes credibility and goodwill (15) []

Previews the body of the speech (10) []

 

Body:

Main points are easily identifiable (15) []

Topic is discussed in detail (15) []

Source(s) is/are cited appropriately and is/are relevant (25) []

Use of audience analysis is evident (10) []

Speech is well written – correct grammar, explanations are clear (10) []

Speech is well organized and uses an appropriate pattern of organization (15) []

Connectives are employed to help the speech flow (10) []

Visual aid is used appropriately (15) []

 

Conclusion:

Signals the end of the speech (5) []

Reinforces the central idea and contains a strong call to action (15) []

 

Overall Evaluation:

Speaker maintained eye contact (15) []

Nonverbal delivery is effective (10) []

Verbal delivery is effective (10) []

Speech meets required time limits (5-7 minutes) (5) []

 

1. What grade would you give this person? Why?

 

2. What does this person need to do to improve their speech?

 

3. What aspects of delivery does this person need to improve?

 

4. What was the most effective thing this person did?

 

 

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I'll be checking this up to about 8AM EDT tomorrow, when I will finish this speech up, and (hopefully) not freak out!

[Stutz[501st]]

OK, I'll bite...

 

Here are my admittedly off-the-cuff comments. There was plenty right with it, but I'm just commenting on areas of improvement. This is just one guys opinion, so take what works and chuck the rest. You've done a really nice job with it so far, and you know your audience and your prof WAY better than I do.

 

1) Talk slower

 

2) Enunciate beter

 

3) This seems to be more of an informative speech than a persuasive speech. It's very heavy on the how-to's and light on the persuasion. You mostly just sort of assume the deal by saying, "hey, we all like to costume, right?!"

 

4) Much of your examples will go right over the heads of people who don't live this stuff everyday. I could show my wife those Fetts side by side and she wouldn't notice the difference

 

5) Don't use acronyms without explaining them (e.g. RPF)

 

6) Don't assume your audience has carried over any knowledge from your previous speeches on the subject.

 

7) How abut talking about some of the benefits of costuming in general? Imagine you were sitting with a friend who was on the fence about costuming, and he asked "WHY should I do it?" Think about why you do it, from an emotional point of view. Is it for the attention, the camaraderie, the charity aspects, the hot chicks? Leave the HOWs for another speech.

 

8) Maybe talk about your personal experience (again, with WHYs, not How-Tos) about why you got into costuming, or some great story about the charity work that the 501st does.

 

9) If you're really trying to persuade, leave out the negative. "It's hard, time consuming and expensive" isn't going to win any converts.

 

10) Don't rattle off URLs and expect your audience to remember them/write them down. If you really want them to have that info, provide a handout at the end.

 

11) Focus more on costuming, and less on the actual costume. It's one thing to dress up in one, but what do you do with it? You mentioned "Grays Anatomy". OK, I bought a pair of scrubs, now what?

 

 

From a personal point of view, I got into this after seeing a local parade where the 501st marched. Seeing those guys in their armor brought back all these fantastic memories of my childhood, and the opportunity to recreate them. I got online and connected with some of the local garrison members and found it to be an amazingly friendly, open, accepting and generous group of individuals. Some of those people have since become great friends. Although I'm not done yet with my armor, I've been wrangling at local events. Seeing the reactions of the kids is priceless, and knowing that I'm making kids happy and helping charities gives me a warm, fuzzy feeling inside. These are all the things that persuaded me to spend $1500 on bits of plastic and glue and give up my weekends to stand in the hot sun.

 

I loved the last quote you gave in your speech about not really seeing the world until you've looked at it through a helmet. I thought that was the best bit!

 

Good luck killer, and knock 'em dead!!!

[snoopy trooper[TK]]

Your talking a bit to fast . That makes it hard to understand you . Just my 2C