death in the family

[Sgt Steve]

My Deep Condolances for you and your family

[trooperstormy]

I am very sorry to hear this. Stay strong. If you need ANYTHING, we are here to help.

[ZeroRoom[TK]]

I sat here for the longest time not knowing what to say. Wanting to write but wondering whether anything I could write would even be worth it.

 

It can't be. But I'm writing anyway so that you know just how many people care.

 

Be you.

[tatooine]

As others have said, no words can express how sorry I am for your loss. I know it must feel like the entire center of your universe has just been stolen away; the sun extinguished. Just remember that she would have wanted you to go on and be happy. It will take time- a lot of it, but it will get better. I believe that is the last best gift we can give to our loved one's memories. My thoughts are with you. God bless.

[Stomper]

AWWwww..... Darrel, dam... I'm sorry to hear of a tragedy like this happening to good people!!

 

Many condolences and may you find comfort in your family, friends and God through these times. I would only say, be strong and see it through and live your life to the fullest... when you are able too, because like any woman who loves her man, I'm sure (even though I never knew her) that is what Melanie would want for you.

 

 

Peace unto you, Darrel.

[kiyotei[TK]]

Very sorry to hear this. I will keep you both in my prayers.

[TK8280]

Wow Darrel, I just don't know what to say, but know this, I am deeply saddened by your loss...I am truly sorry brother

[Boozel]

it's been said by everyone, my prayers and condolences go out to you and her family. Hang in there. God bless

[TheGhraveArtist]

Im very sorry to hear of your loss. And I wish I had more to say to help you cope...but all I can offer are my appologies.

 

If there is ever anything you need. Advice. Anything. Please let us know.

 

My prayers are with you,

Ryan

[Laspector[TK]]

Thank you all for your kind words. This is the hardest thing I've ever been through. There isn't a minute of the day that I do not think of her. Everything I see or do reminds me of her. Can't watch any of "our" tv shows, can't listen to music hardly anymore. Can't watch horror movies anymore. Right now anything with death in it is unbearable. I find that I am now scared to pieces when I get behind the wheel of a car. Every one tells me to remember the good times we had but even that is too painful. It just makes me realize we will never do those things again. I've never really lost anyone close to me before,I do not know how to deal with this. The pain is unbearable, it's like a rusty knife twisting in my heart every minute of every day.

 

But, I guess I will survive.

 

Thanks for your support.

[snoopy trooper[TK]]

I don't know what to say just like others .But you should know by now that WE ALL are here for you . All you have to do is put a call out and we will come to help you in force . The only thing that I can say is that I am truly sorry for you loss . My thoughts and prayers will be with you from this day on . God bless

[Laspector[TK]]

It's been a month now and the pain has not eased up any. But I now find strange things going thru my mind. Maybe someone here who has lost a loved one can help.

 

When I am around people I don't know or really care about I find myself able to deal. If that makes any sense. But when I am around my family or people I love I find that the pain wells up really bad. Is this just because when love enters my mind I think of my lost love?

 

Also,and this is really wrong, but everyone tells me to remember the good times with her. But when I do that all I can think about is that we cannot make anymore good times together and it hurts so bad. I find myself trying to think about the bad times like arguments and disagreements we had. Those thoughts don't seem to hurt as bad. Am I just a horrible person for feeling this way? What is wrong with me?

[Stomper]

Hey Darrel,

 

There's absolutely nothing wrong with what you are mentally going through... its called the grieving process. The human mind/brain is the most complex piece of machinery ever created (biologically OR mechanically), then you add a person's personality and emotions to the mix and its unfathomable. Everyone associates something to EVERYTHING in their memory, there is no set synaptic pathway for any two individuals to associate and react to any one given thing.

 

The two most traumatic things a human being can endure in life (according to the psychologists) is the death of a loved one, and the other is divorce. They say both are equally as traumatic as the other in terms of emotional devastation and stress. When you are around "strangers", you are more easily able to "compartmentalize" your pain and "swallow it", this is more prevalent in males. Remember the old adage, "you always hurt the ones you love"... anyone in their right mind wouldn't do that intentionally, but its because of the familiarity you have in your relationships with those you are close to that you react in a "negative" way like you described.

 

Your tendency to shy away from the "good times", and dwell on the "rough patches" you both went through is an instinctual self-preservation-survival reaction your mind is going through because of the pain you are in. The mind & body reacts to emotional pain much in the same way it does to physical pain, you have a very real physiological reaction to strong emotional impacts in your life. We are hard-wired to react in a "fight or flight" response for survival when we are faced with extreme situations that physically or emotionally threaten our survival. Your mind is just sorting things out, and its a very "normal" part of the beginning of the healing process.

 

I know all too well the emothional trauma you are going through. I have lost 3 childhood friends to motorcycle accidents, I have lost family members to accidents , old age and disease, Army buddies in the field, and (worst of all) having had to take the very young lives of other mother's sons during my tour in the Army... and I have been through TWO divorces to top it all off. Everyone of those incidents practically "killed" me, and they still do when in the few times I allow myself to reminisce, but I have to live in the "here & now", and over the course of my life from the age of 17 (when I was out on my own, I'm 41 now) I carry PLENTY of scare tissue (emotionally and physically) from those experiences, but time is a salve that eventually does heal the wounds to the point that you can carry on with life. I'm alive, I have 6 kids and a God-given wonderful wife (finally) that love and depend on me to be there for them, so I have my "medicine". When you break a bone, it takes "X amount" of time to heal... some folks heal faster, some slower... but in time you WILL have your "medicine" and you will look forward to another day.

 

 

I'm DEFINATLEY no Shrink, but I hope something in all that I have said helps you sort through the issues you have mentioned.

 

 

 

Peace & Respect unto you, Darrel!

[TK8776 jgarrettg]

You're not a horrible person. You are a human being going through a tragic loss. You will go through every emotion that exists while dealing with this. It takes time. I had a very dear family member die very young. It hurt for a long time. Still does but in a different way. I'm not sure if you get over it or if it just becomes a part of you. I would find myself having long one sided conversations with him. It would help me put it in perspective. Finding a quiet place to let the emotions out helped too. Don't hold it in. Sometimes you just have to breakdown. Eventually, you will find that several minutes have gone by without thinking of her and then it will be hours. It will get easier but it will take time. Keep your mind occupied the best you can. Exercise to relieve stress. Try not to let yourself feel guilty when you do find distraction.

 

We're with you. Hang in there.

 

-John

[psychotropic]

This is a REALLY tough thing your going through, and you are one one the strongest people i know for being able to deal with this. It will probably hurt more than anything you ever thought you can handle but just focus on getting through the day for now only time can heal the wounds from a tragedy like this. You are not a bad person, just trying to ease pain. something bad happened to me about two weeks ago. I had a really bad situation occur and i felt REALLY love sick. i couldn't eat, sleep, think, or do much of anything. I was constantly throwing up and shaking. i didnt think i could ever get through it but i knew if i fought it would make me a better person. i know what your going through must be much worse. but hang on and feel better for your friends familly and all of us here who want to see you better.

[foggy[TK]]

Darrel;

 

I second what Stomper and jgarrettg wrote. You are not a bad person.

 

Unfortunately in mainstream American society, we have no formally recognized grieving period or ritual.

So we are left to go through this journey with no realization of what it is all about.

 

You are going through the natural stages of grief. The grieving process involves a rollercoaster ride of emotions. You will heal in your own time. Do not force the healing to go faster than your brain can handle.

 

Your brain will let you know when it is ready for the next step and it will take you there. Half the time you will not even realize you have reached a new step until you look back to where you have been. As you progress, you will be able to see your emotions clearer.

 

You are being hard on yourself. Do not do that. Be patient.

 

Time + Patience = Healing.

 

Let us know how you are doing. Sharing the loss is a form of celebrating the life of the individual for whom we morn.

[synaptyx]

I just read this thread, Darrel. So sorry to hear about your tragic loss.

 

These experiences change us in ways we can't imagine. They cause us to hiccup and get stuck in a painful loop. I learned recently in order to accept these changes and to leave the person you were behind you let time do it's work. You can look back on the good times with joy. We can never go back, but go forwards knowing this with acceptance.

 

You are in my thoughts.

[LeBlanc42]

Darrel, I too only recently found this thread and am saddened to hear about your loss.

 

About 15 years ago I had 2 near death experiences only days apart, it left me very traumatized. For over several years following the incidents I would visualized how people could become injured at almost every personal encounter I had, playing different scenarios over and over in my head.

 

I only mention this because your statements about having difficulty driving and thoughts being funneled were some of my obstacles as well and it brought back memories. Unfortunately I told no one at the time, and I think the healing process took much longer than it needed to.

 

Your feelings do not make you a bad person, or a weak person, they define you as a caring and loving individual who misses his partner deeply.

 

It is not my place, but you may want to consider seeking out a grief counselor or or talking with a minister, they may be able to help guide you through your grief. Through your journey you may find that feeling better does not mean forgetting, and healing is learning how to accept traumatic experiences and to continue to live an exceptional life.

 

God bless.

[psychotropic]

I believe in you man. you can get through this. stay strong

[Laspector[TK]]

Thank you all for your support. I just wish these holidays were over. I am just totally skipping Christmas this year. I just don't have it in my heart this year. This is the first year in my 43 years of life I'm not putting up a tree. And I really love this time of year but I just can't do it this year. No tree, no decorations, no presents, no shopping, not watching any Christmas shows on TV, no Christmas carols, no nothing.

 

This week has been especially rough. This coming weekend was the week we were going off on a four day weekend romantic getaway and get engaged. We were going to stop at her parents Thursday night and I was going to officially ask her father for his permission to marry her. Then we were going off for the weekend. I was going to do the whole bit, the expensive restuarant, the ring in the champagne glass, the bended knee, the whole thing. I wanted it to be the most romantic thing she had ever seen.

 

All that is gone now.

 

Everything just SUX.

[sskunky]

I too have lost many close friends over the years but not this close . I have only just stumbled over this post and my thoughts are with you. Time is a great healer , even if you don't think so now. All I can say say is stay strong and it will get better. Believe me just think of the good times.

Mark.